i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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