If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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