Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
