end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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