just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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