If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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