it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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