I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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