i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
