We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
