i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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