mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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