he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
