Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
