"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize