**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
