she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
