literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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