im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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