If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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