if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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