I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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