I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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