How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
