I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
