Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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