Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize