made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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