My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I intend to get homeless drunk
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize