my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Holy sore nipples Batman
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
