You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
