I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you made out with another girl for some wings
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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