You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
