Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
