I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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