she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
