hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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