Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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