my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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