You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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