How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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