Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
