i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
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