she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you win again, gameday.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
