I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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