I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
