Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
