Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Randomize
