Got a toothbrush?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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