two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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