You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
