when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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