If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
