after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
