i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
