I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
