don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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