Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
