ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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