my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
