he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My life is pants optional.
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