I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
