They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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