i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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