I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do herpes really smell.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
