Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
