Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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