the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
